I will tell my state as if it is not my own.

To start somewhere in the middle, writing is a big fat joke. We build to such a great height, and hope that whoever’s reading will fall at exactly the right time. Like an orgasm, or a fucking pickup line. It can be incredible, and it can be disgusting. The joke–the radical shift in perspective–comes somewhere between sincerity and manipulation. 

Writing my story, on its own, is catharsis–but put it in a mask and it’s art (maybe.) Put vulnerability in a mask and you’re able to make it a story that people might listen to.

I think about this a lot–how people tend to only say things they truly mean when their words are cloaked in a kind of separation. I do this too–here. I have a screen and anonymity between us, dear reader. It doesn’t make what I write any less true, it just makes it easier for me to get the words out. 

“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” Right? Oscar Wilde, man. Total smart guy. I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot this week.

This week has been difficult for me–staring in the mirror for extended periods of time is not new to me. I have dissected myself–my body my face my skin–every day for the past twenty years (I assume before 5 I was somewhat more carefree.)

I have analyzed every part of my face and body thousands of times, so looking in the mirror doesn’t feel powerful in the way that I would like it to–it always feels familiar. In an eerie way. 

I think about closing my eyes–about imagining that I am someone else, somewhere else, in order to get through big feeling moments. I separate myself from myself, because looking at who I am with no distance can be too much. Overwhelming.

This doesn’t work as a mask, though–this doesn’t help me tell the truth. When I’m hiding in this way, I’m not really there at all.

I think the necessary distinction is that in these moments, I am hiding from myself. Telling the truth while hiding from yourself is impossible. It just is. You won’t be able to find it.

We could talk about masks literally. We could talk about the impact that wearing masks for the past two years has had on us. And yes, absolutely, of course I think that masks are necessary and important and I don’t plan to stop wearing one. I have noticed, though, that I am better able to interact with the world when half my face is covered. 

I am absolutely less afraid to be seen when there’s less of me to see. 

Now for me, this definitely has to do with insecurity. But it also has to do with what Wilde is saying–give me a mask and I’ll tell you the truth. 

I am afraid once I take the mask off, everything will change. Ridiculous though it sounds, covering half my face has been a huge part of my recovery. Being mostly hidden has been oddly powerful for me.

I know I cannot hide behind a mask forever, and I don’t intend to, I promise. But it taught me that my inability or unwillingness to interact with the world around me was founded entirely on the belief that I should not and do not deserve to be seen. That I should not be looked at. 

It’s ridiculous to think about, but my God is it true. 

Have you ever worn a wig? Have you ever tried on a wig and felt powerful and new and really fucking weird? I once wore a wig to the grocery store, just because I liked it and was having a bad day. I felt stupid, of course–it was a silly thing to do. But it was interesting to look entirely different for that supremely strange 20 minutes. Good interesting, except I felt like a pathetic celebrity walking her dog or something. 

And in fact, musicians (non-pathetic ones) wear masks too–they adopt personas and embody them. Through this change in identity they tell their own story. We see it all the time–masks make for great fucking music.

Writers do this–to some extent all fiction is one’s own story, masked. C.A. Conrad wrote Amanda Paradise as Amanda Paradise. And it is the most gorgeous collection of poetry I have read in a good, long while. 

I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this, dear reader. I don’t think it is good or bad to need a mask in order to tell the truth. I just think it’s true sometimes.  

And I think learning why is important to me.

I love you.

Al