Thank You and Goodnight

I’ve wanted to talk about compliments for so long, dear reader. So let’s fucking have it.

In true obnoxious writer fashion, I’ll start somewhere in the middle.

So!

Say, I read my writing to someone. They tell me, “You’re a good writer.” I wouldn’t trust this because see, I just prompted it. I read them my story about being bad at chess or whatever, and then they said something nice. Though I will accept the compliment as graciously as one awkward, online writer could, it will not sink in past the surface.

It is not that I am not grateful for this kind of reactive compliment–I am. I just can’t believe it.

The most meaningful compliments point to things we see as true about ourselves–things we know, on some level, already. Otherwise how would we believe them? Maybe it’s something we feel neutral about or that we don’t advertise. Even something scary.

The best compliments don’t sound like compliments; they just sound like observations–just stated facts. They don’t front as new information, they just are, already. 

Truth without a disclaimer always hits hardest. This sounds a little heady, so let’s bring it back down really quick. I’ll give you an example. 

Years ago, I was on the phone with my mom. I was sitting on a stoop–crying to her–really upset that someone I loved didn’t love me back. Hard to believe, I know. I said I was hurting because, “he’s such a special person to me.” 

She said very simply, almost dismissively actually, “Everyone’s a special person to you, Allison. That’s always been who you are.” 

Unfiltered, unprompted truth. I knew it was true because the way she said it wasn’t to cushion the blow, it was to make the blow make sense. You see? It was just a fact–it was why I was hurting. It was true. 

It’s the most meaningful compliment I’ve ever gotten, and it wasn’t meant to be one. Pretty cool.

I asked some friends what the best compliment they’d ever gotten was, and I really think I’m onto something with this. Their answers were never really flowery or sentimental; these compliments were just true.

My favorite one was a friend who told me, “she liked the way I said ‘thank you.’” 

Even this is something to be believed. It isn’t crazy or formal or emotionally charged, it’s just a fact. 

Sometimes we, and I am for sure guilty of this, are so hungry for this grand validation of our art or our lives or bodies that we dismiss the things about ourselves that people take notice of. Dear reader, these are some of the coolest things about us.

“I read your writing in your voice.” That, that’s a pretty cool one.

Dear reader, I like the way you say, “thank you”

I love you, and that’s true.