Bite Back

Today, dear reader, just like every other day for the past two weeks, I went for my government approved, once-daily walk.

God, I live for these walks. Most days this is the only way to justify leaving the house; I can be six feet  from every other human, while finally breathing air that hasn’t already past through my lungs thousands of times.

I can move my body in a way that isn’t cringing in fear from some terrifying serial-killer TV show.

I have been living for these walks. There, I can think.

Today, however–this walk was not one for joyous self-discovery. No, no–today I walked quickly and kept my eyes down, writing furiously in my head while trying to solve a problem to which there is no end likely.

I didn’t solve the problem, dear reader, but I did think of a way to break even.

You bite back.

There is a difference between admiration/appreciation and objectification. This is not a hot take, I know, but stay with me here.

It is important for me, dear reader, that you know this issue is not one of sensitivity, but of ethical behavior. Compliments, even from strangers–hell, even from strangers twice my age–don’t scare me. It is in the objectification of my singular and struggling body that makes me reproachful.

There is a difference, and the difference is what I’m left to hold when the stranger walks away.

*What follows applies to random encounters, usually with strangers, and is based on my experiences.*

I feel no need to  reproach a stranger when they give me a compliment, or makes a statement on my appearance that feels benign. I nod in thanks or give a smile, but don’t feel the need to do anything more. They keep walking, and so do I. Uncomfortable though it can be to receive praise from strangers, I don’t feel the ickyness that comes with getting catcalled.

I’m not sure if I can articulate where exactly the line between benign and perverted is, but I believe it depends on the intention of the speaker, expressed through intonation of voice, word choice, and the context of the encounter.

“You are so beautiful” — a stranger walking by in a grocery store, who smiles, and moves on. Benign.

“Wooo hey sexy mama.” — someone twice my age passing by on a creek path, who stops to watch me walk away. Perverted. 

See, the line isn’t really that foggy at all. In fact, it seems to be clear as mfing day. I struggle to draw it so definitively though, because the semantics here are tricky. People are quick to call a person “over-sensitive” or “touchy” for using words like “creep” or “pervert” when speaking of an encounter like this.

The fact that someone, in broad daylight, called me “Sexy mama” and watched me walk the length of an entire block, isn’t shocking or bizarre, but unsurprising–even unoriginal.

I wouldn’t have given it a second thought; I would have brushed it off like I always do, but today, of course, was different. After he yelled–this man twice my age–I saw the look on a woman’s face a few yards away, who had seen this all go down. She came to a dead stop, and stared at me with eyes wide and mouth agape. She was truly shocked that this kind of comment could be thrown at me so carelessly. And that I hadn’t even bothered to react.

Suddenly, this made me unbearably sad. It made me sad when I realized that I had no reaction to something that in so incredibly disrespectful. Would I not have seen the shock and pity reflected in this woman’s face, I wouldn’t have even blinked. But for better or worse, I did. And I was furious.

Not only did I have this man’s words to carry, but now I had the memory of this woman’s face–all shocked and hurt–scared for me in a way that I wasn’t scared for myself. This was too much to forget.

For the remainder of my walk, I thought about what I would have said if, in that moment, I had felt important enough. I would have clapped-back.

For you, dear reader, I have compiled a short list of my favorite one-liners that, if delivered appropriately, will allow you to bite back without putting yourself in danger. They will be funny in a satisfying way for you, and shocking to the stranger.

It’s important to note that if you are in a situation where you are completely alone, i.e. not in public, or it is after dark, it may not be the best time to use these. Also, if you are under the age of 18, this is a different issue, and should be addressed as such. Please take care of yourself in the best way you can, while removing yourself from the situation.

But if you are in a place of relative safety, as I was, in your twenties, as I am, these will work, I guarantee.

To maximize effectiveness and minimize risk, these clap-backs are designed not to provoke, but to teach a succinct lesson. During and after delivery, it is important to keep moving–do not invite conversation. Imagine this is your mic drop–say it while in motion–and ride the high that follows.

Okay, now with the technical stuff out of the way, we have come to the portion this rant where I get to be funny. The following are effective clap-backs when faced with an encounter of the perverted variety.

**Remember, these are designed to be shocking, but not insult, to keep you out of harms way.**

 

*turn and look behind you* “Did you hear that, dad?!”

“I don’t speak English” *spoken in perfect English*

“Thanks, it’s my 12th birthday”

“Yeah! And I’m only in my second trimester!”

*hand to stomach* “I know, right! It’s twins!”

“My psychiatrists thinks so too. All 10 of them.”

“Right? Thank god I got probation.”

*Turn your hand into a puppet and address it* “Did you hear that, Stanley?”

“I curse you with the fire of a thousand suns” *wild hand gestures*

“I look great for 85, no?” *hold your back as if you’re old af*

“God is watching” *a miniacal laugh wouldn’t hurt*

 

Alright that’s all from your friendly, neighborhood gal. I love you, dear reader. Be safe and well.