Samson

 

You haven’t read the Bible, dear reader. I think knowing my demographic, I can pretty safely say that. If by chance you have read it in its completion, I give you permission to stop reading my nonesense. In fact, I urge you to stop reading my nonsense; it must be boring you.

Anyway, to the rest of you, there’s a biblical character that I’ve become quite interested in lately. His names Samson.

The story goes, this man, Samson, was given Devine strength to aid him in fighting his enemies.

With his bare hands, Samson completely destroyed a lion and massacred an entire army of Philistines using only the jawbone of a donkey. Really awful demonstrations of hypermasculinity, but hey.

Now, what’s the catch? See, Samson’s hair was really long. So long and so beautiful that God must have taken notice, because if by chance his hair gt cut, he would lose every bit of his strength. Punk rock, right? God knew.

Samson was a questionable guy–good in a lot of ways–but he had a lot of enemies. The man killed A lot of people.

He took refuge with a harlot named Delilah to kind of ride out the storm he’d created by murdering literally everyone.

The funny thing about their relationship was that Delilah never stopped trying to strip Samson of his strength. Turns out she was bribed by his enemies to find the source of his power, and to ultimately take it away. But still, Samson stayed.

Every night she asked him how to take his power from him, and every night he would lie to her. But eventually, he found he couldn’t lie anymore. He loved her, you see. So he told her the truth.

That night, as Samson slept in her lap, Delilah ordered a servent to cut his hair.

Samson woke up nearly bald and with every human weakness.

He was quickly captured and made to work as a slave for his enemies, until eventually he grew too weak to continue. He asked his captors to let him lean against a supporting pillar to rest, and prayed to Punk Rock God for strength.

And wouldn’t you know it, God gave it to him–Samson had his strength just long enough to break the pillars around him. This caused the temple to collapse, killing Samson and all his enemies.

So there’s where his story ends. I’ve left a lot out, but I kept the best bits.

The thing that gets me heated though, is that The Bible never gets back to Delilah. Her past, her future; her fate is never known.

But then I realized something, and it all became very clear to me.

So I’d like to clear it all up, if I might. With a haiku.

 

Delilah’s fate is

Never known because she is

Just a horrid bitch.

 

Thanks for reading.