I cannot say everything will be okay, dear reader, because I do not like to lie to you. I am also an incredibly bad liar. Not in the cute, quirky (mostly insufferable) way–I don’t look down through my eyelashes and giggle–no no. I lie like a 5 year old with chocolate chip mouth. Humiliated.
Like the “fake it till you make it” bullshit doesn’t work for me. I’ve never been able to “fake it”–which is both a sincere compliment to my boyfriend and a bummer for my job prospects.
In conversation, if someone makes a reference I don’t understand, I give myself away immediately. I have a very expressive face, see–huge eyes–very mobile eyebrows. And god forbid someone sees my mouth. After two years of masks it’s about to give away a secret I didn’t even know I had.
Like now, see. My roommate is “jamming” with their “homies”. They are playing no less than a djembe (it’s a drum–sounds like a bongo) with a guitar, and a keyboard. I’m in my room with headphones on, and if they dare ask me (when I’m brave or perhaps hungry enough to leave my room) how they sound, I will be forced to say something like, “That is for sure a djembe.”
There’s no possible way I can “fake it till I make it”. I will one hundred percent have to “make it” first. What exactly I’m making remains to be seen, but lying to you is not happening. And that’s okay–it is. Because now we can talk candidly, dear sweet baby reader, about what the hell is going on.
Nobody has come here for my political take, and I am fully aware of that. Instead, then, I’ll tell you that numbers online–number of casualties number of troops number of ways things can go wrong–distill beyond recognition so much complexity.
We see a problem and we want a solution, right? That’s human. Say, a house–you want to build a house. This is a complicated endeavor–complicated meaning that it may be difficult, but with the right plan and the right resources, there is a straightforward solution. Foundation, walls, roof, etc.
Take a city–take a country. You want to build one. There are so many moving parts–so many actors–so much that is ethically gray–that there cannot be a single, straightforward solution. This is complex. Complex meaning that any potential solution is multifaceted, and changing all the time. It means that the success of any attempted solution relies on the actors’ participation–and further, their participation in the same direction.
The horrific violence taking place in Ukraine is a complex issue, and its solution is, of course, beyond my understanding. I do think, however, that really acknowledging the importance of every single actor–every person fighting or fleeing or pulling the strings–is absolutely the only way for us to view this atrocity. These are people, dear reader, before they make a country.
Reading stats may feel productive–to know as much as you can gives a fleeting and false sense of control. But dear reader, we don’t have control. And with this realization comes the herculean task of trusting.
We read people’s stories–see their lives and struggles truly—as messily complex as they are. We listen. We do what we can.
I love you so much. Take excellent care of yourself, please.
X. Al
Girl Seeking Peanut Butter 