Pain of the Ass

As a kid I never had growing pains. And this makes sense right; my frame is small. Still, this has always kind of pissed me off. 

I grew up nice and slow then stopped, which honestly is a little bit of a bummer. I sometimes feel  like I got gypped–like I never had the hard-won satisfaction of growing a body. 

But then I remember–oh yeah–I built an entirely new body in my 20s, so fuck all that. 

And woo boy did that hurt–emotionally yeah whatever–but I mean physically. My body ACHED. My arms, legs, back–it all hurt like hell. 

My body was repairing and rebuilding muscle–I had none (as I was a noodle ass bitch) so naturally this was a big task. But listen if we are talking ass, “noodle” isn’t right. It was two deflated balloons. Pancake ass. Straight up popped and hanging. 

Worry not dear reader we got air now. But please do know that gaining this weight was a big job for the old donk. 

Anyway, as my body hurt my mind got clearer. Clear enough, I guess, to begin to appreciate the inflating (inflation?) that was going on. 

I remember–and I promise this is true–sitting in group therapy (in treatment we had group therapy every day after lunch) talking about body comparison. 

I was deadly insecure, see. I had gained the weight by this time and was feeling like a fresh fawn. Ass was inflated. Tits had emerged. Wobbly legs. Whole deal.

I could no longer hide under baggy clothes. That shit was getting snug and I was genuinely terrified of how my peers would see me–that they would be confused as to why I was there. I felt sincerely huge, though to be clear I wasn’t. This is absolutely a normal stage of recovery absolutely worth pushing through. 

We talked about body comparison a lot, naturally, as I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. On this particular day, dear reader, we were taking turns speaking to our experiences when the young woman (just barely 18) sitting next to me chose to speak. She said, “I struggle a lot with comparison. I mean, look at Allison’s ass.”

Never did I think I’d hear these words, and from an anorexic no less. In literal rehab. My ass was called out, and I had a choice. 

1. Be offended and internalize that as a jab at my body fat percentage.
2. Say thank you.

You bet your fine ass I said thank you.

Growing pains can look a lot of ways, dear reader. Any way you slice it, my ass is just fine, and so are you.

I love you big time. 

Take good care. 

A.