times I’ve felt powerful enough to start a cult

When I feel a particularly strong, negative emotion, dear reader, I do one of about four things.

1. Get Very Drunk
2. Write Bad Poetry
3. Run Very Far
4. Make Lists

Say, I’m on a walk, right? And a man yells to me “take off your mask so I can see you smile.” 

Like tonight, say. I’m on a walk and this man yells to me–the only woman around who is alone. There are people on the other side of the street. Walking together. A man and a woman, holding hands. But I am the one he yells at. 

I am alone, and small, and a woman. More importantly, though, I don’t have that striking kind of beauty–the kind that makes people silent when they see me. I’m just me in a mask. My bangs are straight up–blowing in the wind, and my jacket is tight to my chest. I’m just me.

Say, I feel like I’m not enough. That I am just a bland, silly, kid who used to be skinny. That I need to be Something More if I’m ever going to be happy enough to want this life I’ve got. That being me is a practice in disappointing others.

 That I’ll compare myself to others until I end up empty. Again.

I don’t have any wine glasses, dear reader. I have some champagne flutes that my boss gave me instead of throwing them away–but other than that I just have tall, water glasses. Or mugs. This is what I fill when I feel strong, negative emotions.

OR! Let’s say I don’t do that. Let’s say I see clearly how that won’t help and I choose to do something else. That I’m going to write–that I have to. 

The thing that comes quickest is a list, sweet, understanding reader. I’m going to make one now. 

Because I feel like shit. 

BUT! Just to keep it spicy–keep it fresh—I’m going to compile a list of lists I’ve made in times like these. They’re great, honestly. They keep me sane.

Forgive me.

1. Times that I’ve felt powerful enough to start a cult (5)
2. Times I’ve been propositioned a threesome by strangers in downtown Boulder (3)
3. Times I’ve politely declined (3)
4. Times I’ve hurt myself while cutting my bangs (4)
5. Times I’ve cried in a dive bar bathroom (6)
6. Number of photos I’ve taken of myself that I like (1)
7. Number of packages stolen from my porch this year (5)
8. Number of times I’ve bought people gifts before they decided they don’t want to know me, then kept them for myself (5)
9. Number of books I’ve loaned and never gotten back (9)
10. Number of books I’ve loaned and gotten back (1)
11. Times I’ve walked over a mile at 3 am (11)
12. Times I felt happy in my body (4)
13. Pens that I absolutely cannot lose (2)
14. Times I regret what I write (0)
15. Tweets I delete 5 seconds after tweeting them (1435)
16. Fucks I give (so many, man.)

Right now, I’d like to do one of about 4 things. I think though, I’ll go to bed. I’ll sleep and get up tomorrow and go to work and try my best to not hate the person I am. Because she tries really fucking hard.

I love you, dear reader.

You’re enough.

Sleep well.