3 sexy daydreams: an episodic experience

I have just spent the last hour and a half staring into the middle distance, hating my body. Every inch, individually. All of it. 

What a fucking waste of time. 

Some days are bad, and that’s fine. I hardly ever hangout in the middle distance anymore, and that’s great. But tonight, oh tonight. It was a doozy.

If I’m so afraid of lost time, why do I keep ending up here? I don’t want this to be what I use idle time for–I don’t want to pick myself apart. I’m fine! I’m great! Who gives a shit, right?

I dunno, sometimes I get lost in it.

But see, I rolled over and started typing. I hope that’s okay.

I’m going to make a list of things I could have done in that hour and a half, instead of despising my meat-suit. 

Here goes

I could have:

1. Lost a game of chess
2. Learned literally anything about chess that might help me lose less
3. Fucked myself several times
4. Watched a documentary about dismantling dams
5. Written “Choke Me” in calligraphy 
6. Written approximately one paragraph of prose which I’d ultimately trash
7. Taken a bath in the forbidden upstairs bathroom
8. Listened to Doo Wop by Lauryn Hill 18 times in preparation for eventual karaoke performance 
9. Called my sister to catch up on her neighbor’s cat, Pinocchio 
10. Applied for 3.2 jobs 
11. Made slightly underdone pumpkin pie 
12. Had elaborate sexy daydream
13. Had 2 elaborate sexy daydreams
14. Relearned Fur Elise to flex
15. 3 sexy daydreams–an episodic experience
16. Had a good cry

I’ve already chosen several for next time.

Take care, dear reader. Please.

I love you.