Kitchen Floor Monologues

I was sitting on the kitchen floor, lovely reader–as I am wont to do at least once an evening–when I realized I am better at this than I give myself credit for. “This” being, um, speaking. 

The orgasmic power of the words, “well said” send me further than I’d care to admit–speaking without someone visibly fuming is basically indie porn. I like to talk shit. And I’m good at it. 

I don’t mean trashing other people–I’m actually pretty bad at that. I mean getting really passionate about seemingly insignificant shit. 

I unleash some monster monologues on the kitchen floor, let me tell you. We got the mime story. We got the ambulance delirium story. We got the time I saved my friend’s job by threatening to dye my hair blue. We got the first time I heard That One Song which devolved into a story about being cheated on. That, my dear reader, was a long one. Somehow it ended up being about cults?  Who the fuck knows.

My point is. I can talk some serious shit about some silly shit. Having surpassed getting drunk and fucking myself, it is now maybe my favorite thing to do. It comes so damn easily on the kitchen floor; it was like that growing up, too. Maybe it’s proximity to snacks. Well, historically, that’s probably not it.

Why do I hate chairs, you may be asking. Well, I don’t fucking know and that’s rude. But, what I DO know is that it is excellent motivation to clean, and even better motivation to not hide in my little joke of a room and write truly awful poetry, which as we know, is crack to me. 

I have compiled a list of takeaways from these kitchen floor monologues, and because I don’t have a podcast on which each would get an episode, I will give them names here. 

Enjoy

1. Digging out corks with your thumbnail: a lesson

2. Little bottom bigs, big bottom littles, little bottom littles, and Gods

3. Why you’re wrong and why I won’t tell you that

4. Feelings: we’re in support of them unless dumb

5. Kissing is highly rated and still underrated

6. I’m down–I’d be down–I could be down: and other signs of failing friendship

7. Milk frothers as an arousing appliance

8. Look at this freckle in my eye did you see it?

9. Visual snow: no one cares but I’ll keep talking about it

10. Baking is a lie: I used boxed mix and no one noticed 

11. Seriously look at this freckle

12. I work for The Man but I am in fact The Guy

13. You get 3 great loves–sometimes more, sometimes less, there’s no telling actually

14. People: most are fine

15. Hummus is hummus about 60% of the time

16. Dumpster diving is effective if necessary

17. Can I bum a cigarette

18, Why I need to bum a cigarette

19. “bum” as a verb

20. The art of the nod

21. Don’t sleep on evening naps

22. Shared playlists as an intimate dialogue

That’s all for now, my dear reader. 

Let’s talk soon.