apolojeans

 

I’m scared, dear reader. I’m scared and the world is ending and I feel like apologizing for the bad things I’ve done is stupid and shallow. But I’m gonna do it anyway. You’ve got to start somewhere, and the end is as good a time as any.

Though I refuse to wait until a meteor is on a collision course, or Yellowstone finally gives, now is close enough to the end that I feel the need to apologize with some urgency.

If apologizing is easy, you’re doing it wrong. This isn’t to sound harsh or self-righteous, but to remind myself that, until extremely recently, I operated under the belief that when I needed to apologize I could, and when I didn’t need to apologize, I would anyway. “I’m sorry” was a catch-all for fuckups and unfavorable or nearsighted opinions. 

The Apology was my behavioral turning point. The apology changed things–it had finality. But, I’ve since found this to be an extremely stagnating way of living.

Being sorry is hard–it is supposed to be. Doing what goes against, or even harms something or someone is an extremely painful thing to truly own.

Regret does not absolve wrongdoing, and this is a hard fucking pill to swallow. Acknowledging that I  behaved in a way that reflected my insecurity isn’t pleasant. It’s scary. It calls into question who I am, and how I show up for people.

Regret->guilt->I’m sorry. This is not the end of an apology, but the easy part. 

“I’m sorry” isn’t a final recognition of my flawed beliefs and actions, it is a promise to continue looking at them–to see where they came from and why they exist in me. The goal of a genuine apology is to find a way to exist in the world without that belief, without feeling the need to act in that way.

And so after the “I’m sorry” comes the sitting with myself and the acknowledging that I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, and that sometimes I act like a complete asshole. 

Insight like this, though important, doesn’t make it “okay” to act like an asshole, but it does serve as a promise to make choices–consciously and consistently–to not be an asshole. 

Let me make this less theoretical for a sec–humor me if you can.

I am incredibly insecure when it comes to other women my age. I never see myself as someone who can measure up in a room of my peers.  I get cranky and hostile–I act like a child because I feel threatened. “Threatened” is the word–though it sounds odd. The threat isn’t physical, but instead it is the threat of embarrassment, feeling inadequate, being rejected, failing.  

In these situations, I act like a child. I’m immature. I’m rude. I’m unkind. I act like an asshole. 

And I am genuinely sorry for this. I’m sitting with it. I promise to do and be better. But it isn’t enough to say this, and actually, it is important to not continue saying this. Being patient and living into an apology is perhaps the hardest part. There is no instant gratification in “I’m sorry”–apologies are all about the long game. And ain’t that a bitch.

Maturity is knowing that you can and will do better, and then, without reminding anyone, doing better. The reward is that one day you’ll look at the person you are–the things you do, say, and believe–and the regret and guilt won’t be there.

Dear reader, I’ll get there.

Love and Rockets,

Al