Lovesong

The notes on my phone are either hilarious, or painfully dark.

The funny ones are simple–a random string of numbers; a misspelled Thai food order; one item from a grocery list; etc.

The dark ones don’t read as easily.

Scrolling through them is like reading my own memoir, except only the shit bits. You know, the parts where you stop rooting for the writer because they’ve fucked up past the point of saving. You start to think maybe the ending is just more of the same shit.

This is where I went when I hurt.

I would reach for my phone when I was afraid to die at 3 am, or alone at noon on a Saturday. I would write here when I was too tired to pick up a pen.

I wrote here when I was a freshman in college and nothing seemed to fit. I wrote here when I was treated like a stack of bones by someone I thought I loved. I wrote here when I was sad without reason, and when the reason didn’t make sense. I wrote here when I was hurting.

I am struck by the first lines of these notes. They remind me immediately of very specific moments in my life–whether it’s ordering Thai food, or dealing with the fact that I didn’t really care about myself.

Through them, I am able to revisit myself as a scared 18 year old, and a wounded 20 year old. I can see that 6 months ago I didn’t have coherent thoughts, and that a week ago, I felt something really important.

There was something about these first words that seemed to fit together. I don’t know if it’s that they so clearly represent the passage of my life, or that I can look back on the girl I was and feel for her in a real way. Regardless, they fit.

They are random and beautiful and ugly and hard and painful and absolutely me.

So of course, dear reader, I put them in a poem. I have compiled just the first line from each of my notes over the past five years. I organized them from newest to oldest; the beginning lines were written early this year, and the end I wrote in 2015. The middle is all the years in between.

I did not change the order, or the words. Sometimes it’s crazy how they fit together, or maybe it’s just me who’s crazy.

I love you. Thank you for reading.

 

 

Lovesong

 

 

2019

Hold on to this feeling

I thought I’d be a poet

A name is shorthand for

How much can I feel.

There is a space

Pop ruins

For everything I’ve lost

I stomp and my feet fall off.

 

 

2018

Save The New

With hands and water

Courage is not the absence of fear, but

Remember when you spilled wonton soup

And then the man stood up

Remember when

“It made him shy”

I used to be all edges.

Today I am a Tailor

The bible does not mention the fate of

Fox Child

Please don’t let me hope too long

I’ve been pacing round and round

Me and

Remember when

We took photos

Shifting into park with my left hand

And so sleep

She puts things between her lips

Maybe I’ll stay here

Lovesong of Alfred J Prufrock

You two look like rockstars

She had to name the world

Sweet girl

He said yes so certainly

You will always be

blushing

In that moment you are old

I shook hands with the boy

Finch

Why won’t they ask me

Looking glass self

WHAT AM I DOING

 

2017

Allow me to be

Full of cauliflower

She’s all eyes

Me and my socialist boyfriend

I want for things I’ll never do

Now suddenly she is somebody

Shmits

Who do you want to be?

richara200

It is remarkable–truly

About the Author

Anorexia

Neighbors

He lets his hair be long

What is the aim of this medication?

Midnight in Paris

There are so many poets

Epcot rain

Watch the sun

How does he like his coffee?

I am like the world

Banana

There are lots of “wait a seconds”

Doing shots

There were people who were loved

 

 

2016

Woodlawn Cemetery

In the morning I look left

Fuck you and your birdhouse

I was kissed (I was kissed)

I hate the way I look and it makes me

The typical college student

Jackie, there aren’t enough words

Howl

I’m scared that I’m only okay with this

Open the windows

Hi Cate. It’s Allison

I thought my best options lived and died

And so I sit here

Being thin is my favorite part of me

You don’t have to want to be

Love and love and more

How silly little girls do

And it wasn’t for lack of trying

“And to the moon” she said

The purpose of my life

Don’t hurt me

Crippled by it

My soul has been

Why am I crying watching the sun

I need a window

Orange 35

My god I love

Karma

Hey, are you in love?

I dream of your face distorted

I’ll never raise a daughter

Ever since you were a baby

To God, about a girl

 

2015

If you rise above the noise

The night was in her eyes

Re: a song you wrote for me

A Decision of the Moon

2 black wings both flapping

Guitar strings

I cried because

Oatmeal and some coffee

She cannot change the world

Four apologies

Here’s to you

To truly love

I didn’t do a lot my freshman year

Time’s debt

You ruined me

If you think I’m so annoying

When anxiety left, depression took her

 

 

Growing up I was never good enough

She never did she the world change