So the 1975 released an album. That was big.
Oh and I’m in Denver. That’s also big. Both things made me cry, though Matty Healy moves me more than mountains. Even the really beautiful ones.
I discovered something pretty amazing on the way to Denver though–Im not afraid of airplanes anymore, which is not only super cool, but also SO MUCH more convenient.
For the entirety of my childhood and adolescence I could not get on an airplane without a combination of physical force and Benadryl. Little Al could imagine nothing worse than putting my life in the hands of two strangers and a tube of air.
A tube. Of air.
And you’re so high up. I still don’t understand how they work. But! I no longer need drugs so I guess that saves me like seven bucks.
Oh, and John Kerry was on my flight. Democrat–former Secretary of State–definitely a silver fox. My mom recognized the back of his head as he bopped on by the rest of us peasants waiting to board. He just breezed on by. Meanwhile, I felt myself lose the few good years left in my spine while I shifted my backpack from one numb shoulder to the other.
Rich people never have back problems, man.
When we FINALLY boarded, and I had given up on being able to hold my future grandkids, we saw Mr. Kerry sitting prettily in first class, a cup of coffee already in his hand. I hiss-whispered to my mom that I was going to shake this man’s hand. And that she could follow suit–if she dared. I didn’t have a reason other than I was bored and he was there, but God damn it I was going to do it. My sweet, misguided mother grabbed both of my arms and forbade me, a 21 year old, adult, woman, from speaking to him. And so I eyed him from the isle, cursing my mother’s ability to feel secondhand embarrassment.
I watched John Kerry take a neat bite of a chocolate biscuit, and thought maybe I should say something anyway. Something like, “I loved you on the bachelor.” But. I did not. Pitty, really.
I wonder what he was doing in Denver. I wonder if he’s listened to A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships. Is he married? I’m single, John Kerry. Yes, I’m sexually confused, but I’d let you buy me a coffee and chocolate biscuit, Mr Kerry, any day.
Also, guys. My Mom went to a weed dispensary. Without me.
She knows nothing about drugs, and asked the saleswoman, in a voice that I can only imagine dripping with innocence and sincerity, “Which one of these do you smoke, and which do you eat?”
Best wishes from a higher elevation,
Allison
Girl Seeking Peanut Butter 