On Showering With Gum

It may come as no surprise to you, my dearest reader, that I am a hypochondriac.

In the past year I have diagnosed myself with approximately 47 types of cancer, Ebola, and the Swine Flu. So yeah, Web MD and I go way back.

Please keep this in mind as you read the following tale of a Friday night I remember, quite fondly, as the night I finally lost it.

After a long day of slacking off, I was taking a shower in our disgusting, communal dorm bathroom, and happened to also be chewing gum. As I was pumping conditioner into my hand, I pushed too hard and the conditioner projectile-squirted toward my face.

At this exact moment, my mouth was mid-chew and God, wouldn’t you know it, the conditioner shot right into my mouth and directly down my throat. I stood there for a moment in awe at the depth of my stupidity. As I let this fully sink in (and slide down my throat) I began to panic.

I proceeded to text my roommate, from the shower, with the water still running, to ask her if conditioner was poisonous. To this she said, “Once I drank some dish soap and I was fine.” Comforting.

So I took to google.

Is Conditioner Poisonous? 

My phone was now soaking wet.

Reliable old Web MD, in its infinite wisdom, was telling me to call poison control “without delay”.

After several anxiety attacks, shuffling back to my room in a towel, and some dry heaving, I decided on a course of action.

I have no idea why I thought poison control would give a single care that I had swallowed 2 pumps of conditioner, but there I was, dialing them up.

A women answered after two rings, listened to my insanity, and said, in a tone of utter disgust, “well I don’t know how you did that, but you’ll probably puke. Other than that you’ll be fine.”

I did not want to puke, I had spent far too much money on food that day to waste it. (Let us save the discussion of inflated college, meal plan prices for another day, as I will get far too heated).

So, naturally I asked the lady “are you sure?”

She did not like this. She then described to me, in detail, the number of years experience she’d had with poison control (twenty) and how I was ungrateful for her vast depth of knowledge (college kids these days, man).

Jokes on her though, I never vomited. I held in my instant mashed potatoes, half an apple and two pumps of “Touchable Softness” conditioner with the utmost dignity.

My insides are smooth and silky to this day, and I am now a strong advocate for searching for accredited, medical journals.

Cite your sources, kiddos.

And please, I beg of you, don’t chew gum in the shower.